Heart's A Mess

My heart's a mess and i won't admit it
Too much love i've lost i guess..
Fear,doubt and distrust..
Please don't pick apart the pieces of my heart
There is something wrong, there is something right
and all i know usually when things has gone this far
People tend to dissapear
and i don't really know if you standing still right there or dissapear?

Then Who's Gonna Think About Me...??

I think i'm not the one who's though
When i thought that i wanna feel the pain itselves it's just become the great one
Seriously...for almost of my life i'm the one who feels responsible from every mistakes cud be happen in people's life
And becoz of it i become too much think,
think sumthin' that i just might don't have to think about too deep.
For almost of my life i'm the one who always consider any other people think and feels,
their mood and bla..bla..bla..
And i just don't have a time for myself
Then who's gonna think or consider about what i feel..?
about how stressful the work circumstances that i might just faced..?
They never think about ME!!!!
They wud never will!!

Empty Is More Painful Than Being Hurts

I thought when life's simpler we may not feel the hurts itselves
I thought a simple life with no great distraction and pain wud be great
but surely...that's completely wrong
when it's getting simple we don't feel the pain
all we may even feel just the emptyness
and i thought that's more painfull than being hurts
empty is more painfull than being torn apart
empty is more destructive than you can ever imagine
for almost of my life i prayin like hell to get what it called a simple life with no great distraction....i pray..and i pray..and i pray..and my life seems so monotons
and its terribly f*ckin empty
it hurts coz i don't feel anything
i laugh...but i don't even feel the essence of it
i cry...but i don't even feel i'm too sad to cry on
everything just fake
it's f*cking fake and all i can think about right now is to feel it...
feel the pain, feel the joy, just feel it..as a very normal human being i just want to feel it

Things We Called Commitment

Do men always freakin out when women ask for commitment or gettin' serious in relationship???
this freakin mind seems pull over me to the edge of nowhere..
well i think it began to be in an uproar since one of my coworker tell me about a life which her livin it, last nite....
her love life actually...
she discussed it with me...and yes...i don't even close enuf with her,
but i don't mind listening to her, practically i'm impressed that she wud talk about her private life with me.
she had a boyfriend, and they had this what it called a relationships for about four years.
but apparently..the guy whom she living with do not want to take the next steps (the serious stage, the commitment)
Its obvious that her relationship with this guy was not moving forward,
and she thought that they would never take the next steps, well..clearly.

It's true that i'm not surprise...from almost of my life i just thought that there's no guy in this world who already prepare for what it called a commitment.
i had a five miserable years which i spent for waiting someone who's don't even think about commitment.
formerly i thought maybe it's a sacrifice that i just had to through for sumthin' we called it love.
but then i realize..that's not love....
love should be a thing who bring a happiness and goodness,
not a tear becoz you missing him sooo bad, and he's not even want to talk or meet you..

I do remember..
there's a last questioned that i asked him, "do i ever cross in ur mind..?"
coz i'm really tired for this such a long indeterminancy.
He confessed that he didn't want me to get over him and that he didn't want me out of his life. What a huge schmuck i thought.
He want me on his side but he don't even ensuring what we had for these years..
Then i just thought that maybe i'm just the one who's fall in love alone,
the unloved ones..
and i'm so stupid for waiting around and expecting him.

I will take my time deciding who I will allow to love me. I won't rush into anything but I will allow a date to be a date.
I believe that the things called for commitment involved two people who's prepared. It's not about your marriage license, your wedding ceremony, nor your living arrangements. When you commit, you are in fact agreeing for taking responsibility and integrity, "I am agreeing to share my life with my partner, to assist in his/her personal growth development and happiness wherever and whenever I can. I also agree to cherish and protect this union with my partner so it can forever flourish and always remains a happy one. I am agreeing to this because I want to, and for no other reason."

Life Is Often Difficult

Gosh...........
it's really...really fucked up!!
she's a bitch!!
an ultimate number one bitch that i've ever seen in my whole life
definitely now the obstacles become the great one
the mass destructive noon has been done!!
clearly...i just need to think to clearly..
just like what my friend said.." life is often difficult"

when life is most difficult,
we must hold fast to our dreams,
when the answer are unclear,
we must maintain our faith,
when the problems are greatest,
we must maintain our confidence,
when obstacles are greatest,
we must continue our pace,
the impossible can only exist,
when we no longer believe
in the existenceof possibilities...

Good lord vina....how come u cud be so much wiser...haahhahaha..

Stupidity Makes Us Human

Sometimes i go stupid
Sometimes all of us going stupid
We're all stupid!
Stupidity makes us human!
At least that's what i thoughts
Ada satu waktu dimana kita ingin pergi dari realita dengan cara menenggak sebotol vodka atau meneteskan Baileys Irish Cream pada secangkir teh hangat.
Atau mengkonsumsi pil-pil golongan benzodiazepine, seperti valiumdosis rendah di malam hari.Pelarian kecil-kecilan.
Cenderung pengecut!!!
And yes..that's stupid!
Ketika menemukan kepenatan mungkin beberapa orang akan berusaha melupakannya dengan pergi ke club, have fun sampai pagi, teler, dan berakhir bangun di tempat tidur dengan seseorang yang tadi malam baru kenal di club hingga namanya saja tidak bisa diingat..
Sedangkan saya...Saya akan memilih pergi ke gym, treadmill...berkeringat dan letih...hingga tidak bisa memikirkan apapun selain istirahat dan tidur terlelap sampai pagi.
Memang ada beberapa orang yang saya kenal dekat melakukan hal-hal yang tadi saya ungkapkan diatas.Yaah.., lagi-lagi it's all about choices..
I won't judging someone for something that might sounds really really...mmmmhh...apa ya...saya sendiri juga susah menterjemahkannya.
But then...we're all just human yang bisa kapan saja melakukan kesalahan, dan kebodohan.We're no saint right..?
Dan lagi-lagi sebuah pembenaran dari seorang vina..

vina's life and journal: For Whom It May Have Fallen In Love

vina's life and journal: For Whom It May Have Fallen In Love