Merasa 'Penuh'..?

Fate atau destiny mungkin menjadi suatu cara bagi manusia untuk menjelaskan apa yang tidak bisa dijelaskan.
Saya sendiri tidak bisa menjelaskan bagaimana fate atau destiny itu terjadi.
Dan saya tidak bermaksud menjelaskan apa itu fate atau destiny..
Entahlah apa yang saya bicarakan kali ini,mungkin karena efek headache atau terlalu mengantuk sehingga saya terlalu banyak membicarakan hal-hal yang tidak penting.
Dan entah darimana ide ini ada di otak saya,and i keep wondering..
Apakah kita harus 'penuh' terlebih dahulu sebelum bisa 'memenuhi' orang lain?
Cinta bukanlah dependensi, namun merupakan keutuhan yang dibagi, at least that's what Celestine's Prophecy said.
Is it true..?
Jika saya merasa sebagai seseorang yang tidak utuh, bagaimana saya bisa membaginya?
Norma berubah, agama berubah, sains berubah, segalanya berubah dan tidak pernah sama. Begitupun dengan kebahagiaan, kebahagiaan adalah sesuatu yang hidup, berubah dan tidak statis.
Dan jika sekarang saya merasa bahagia,apa mungkin saya telah melalui proses dimana saya telah 'penuh',merasa sebagai satu keutuhan.
Karena saya yakin saya tidak bergantung.
Entahlah..

The Superb Day!!!

'fourth august 08'

This day is my birthday,
my f*cking birthday..
this morning i woke up routinely,have my morning rituelle
and definitely i sober.
It's 8:03 dan gw udah sampe kantor,sepagi ini..apalagi kalo bukan karena kerjaan.
DAMN!! chigo who's my designer blom juga nongolin mukanya pagi ini,dan feeling gw udah makin ga enak. Seharusnya smalem gw tetep coba telfon dia sampe nyambung,bukannya cuman gw sms gara2 telfonnya ga diangkat2.
I was panic..terribly morning disaster..
dan tanpa pikir panjang gw pun segera manggil lukman untuk mensort foto2 THOSE GODAMN MUT!!! secara gw ngga bisa retouch kaaann..
lalu ngga lama martin pun dateng,dan tetep kesekian ratus kalinya telf chigo ga diangkat2 juga...MY GOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!
it's freaking madness..
Lalu martin pun men calm-down gw..hiks..hiks..i'm freaking panic!!dan air mata gw pun ngga mampu lagi terbendung. Gw pun segera nelfon si klien untuk negotiate minta waktu sejam lagi dgn muka pucet takut kalo2 dibentak2.
Dan...dia pun dateng...orang yang bisa bikin gw panik sepanik2nya..
yes..it's the boss..the EVIL BIATCH!! the ultimate one.
"Apaaaaa!!!! blom dianterin juga!!! KAMU TUH YAA!! saya udah dibentak2 klien asal kamu tau aja nih!!!".
Mampuss!!!dalem hati gw,kena lagi kan viiinnnn..
Sampe kapan pun lo tuh selalu jadi bantalan dia, terus gw jadi mikir...
what a great day..it's just great..kado spesial gw tahun ini dari my beloved boss adalah dibentak2 didepan sekian banyak orang kantor.
Dan bukan cuma sama dia aja..sama boss gw satu lagi which is her bro yang ngga banyak omong,kali ini memasang tampang juteknya ke gw..juga!!
I've got it TWICE!! dimarah2in pagi2 di hari ultah lo yg ke 25 di sekian banyak orang,kapan lagi gw dapet itu..ya kaann..??!!
Si editor gw pun blum dateng,dan gw makin panik karena dia bawa hardisk kantor.
Si boss pun nanya ke gw,dan dia MARAHH SEMARAH2NYA!!!
Kena lagi gw untuk yang kesekian kalinya (bahkan untuk kesalahan yang bukan jadi tanggung jawab gw,gw pun harus menanggungnya!!)
BODOOOO!! kesel,kesel..kesel..SH*TT!!!
what's goin on this day..?i'm totally fucked up,hopeless..in the 25th years of age..
why..oh..why..?
ngga' berapa lama..rena pun dateng..my producer
THANK GOOODD..,disusul si client yang siap merevisi ulang video MUT
pas balik dari meeting room ternyata
ada cake yang udah disiapin lengkap dengan lilin 25,dan...tadaaaaa.....
HAPPYYY BIRTHDAYYYY....
rame2 org kantor kasih selamat ke gw,i cried..and i laugh..
tapi the sure thing is bahwa kalo marah2nya bu boss,bener2 karena bukan ngerjain..alias beneran marah2..
well..it's okay then...gw coba lebih wise aja dgn keep smiling walau sebenernya dalem hati gw udah nyesekkkk..bukan krn pagi2 buta diomel2in,tapi krn si donkey ngga inget ultah gw!!
SEBEEELLLLL BGTTTTT!! dia malah bilang mao balik ke bandung HUH!! ngga punya hati!!
But anyway..gw cukup terhibur dgn blueberry chizcakenya rena yg spesial dia taro di meja gw pagi itu,and we're embrace..and yes we cried..together.
Rena memang cukup merasa bersalah karena udah ninggalin gw dgn kerjaan yg menumpuk,ditambah lagi makian2 yang gw terima tepat di hari ultah gw,
huhuhu..momennya cukup bikin gw terharu..

Kerja..kerja..kerja..and it's happened to be 6:51..
orang-orang udah pada pulang,yang ada tinggal chigo,mba anie dan beberapa editor yang harus lembur. Rencana malam ini adalah gw melakukan kontemplasi,loosen up lil bit buat have fun sendirian...entahlah..maybe go to the movie dan makan ice cream alone..by myself..
gosh!! what a PATHETIC! i am
Ngga' berapa lama si Donkey telfon dan bilang kalo dia sekarang ada di depan kantor,spontan gw marah..ngambekk lebih tepatnya..ngapain sih ni orang!!!
terus gw tutup telfonnya dan jadi mikir..ko gw malah marah2 ya..???!!!?....
dan segera keluarlah gw ke depan kantor..

and jeeezzz...u know whatt??!!
si donkey bawa tiramisu with candle in his hands.
I thought that he doesn't even remember my birthday at all..,but now i know..i was wrong.
I was totally speechless..bener2 speechless,pengen banget rasanya meluk dia cuma ngga berani..
I definitely sure that i can feel the butterfly effect in my stomach
uugghhhh...
this is a superb dayyyy...the great one..
bener juga kata orang2.."life begins at 25", totally...i've got it..what a superb day!!
yipppiieeee..

I'm Not a R-O-B-O-T !!!!!

It's friday and it's 6:38..
dan gw masih aja dikantor sementara orang-orang udah pada pulang dan siap-siap menikmati weekend mereka.
Dengan semena2 gw diperkenalkan sebagai org yang takeover kerjaan co-worker gw ini!
Heeeloooooo....i'm not the producer!!!!
kamppreettttt!!! udah cape gw kena kelimpahan kerjaan orang yang bukan jadi job desc gw!!!
do i really have to responsible with those job yang seharusnya bukan jadi kerjaan gw??
selalu jadi ban serep,cadangan,atau apalah namanya...
kenapa harus gw yang jelas-jelas gw sama sekali ngga punya pengalaman sedikitpun jadi produser yang menangani berbagai video dan gambar2 mana yang harus in,ditake-out dan segala2 perintilan yang bikin ribettt,capeeeeee tau gaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lo kira gw ROBOTTTTTT?????
should i really have to survive in this hell office disaster????
itu udah kepikiran banget di otak gw,betapa amat sangat tidak menyenangkannnya bekerja disini...
but still,gw masih punya keyakinan untuk bertahan dan survive disini..
entahlah kekuatan itu datang darimana..
well at least sampai beberapa bulan ini gw masih bisa menyanggupinya,
but i won't forever..
i have to make a decission for sure!!!

Heart's A Mess

My heart's a mess and i won't admit it
Too much love i've lost i guess..
Fear,doubt and distrust..
Please don't pick apart the pieces of my heart
There is something wrong, there is something right
and all i know usually when things has gone this far
People tend to dissapear
and i don't really know if you standing still right there or dissapear?

Then Who's Gonna Think About Me...??

I think i'm not the one who's though
When i thought that i wanna feel the pain itselves it's just become the great one
Seriously...for almost of my life i'm the one who feels responsible from every mistakes cud be happen in people's life
And becoz of it i become too much think,
think sumthin' that i just might don't have to think about too deep.
For almost of my life i'm the one who always consider any other people think and feels,
their mood and bla..bla..bla..
And i just don't have a time for myself
Then who's gonna think or consider about what i feel..?
about how stressful the work circumstances that i might just faced..?
They never think about ME!!!!
They wud never will!!

Empty Is More Painful Than Being Hurts

I thought when life's simpler we may not feel the hurts itselves
I thought a simple life with no great distraction and pain wud be great
but surely...that's completely wrong
when it's getting simple we don't feel the pain
all we may even feel just the emptyness
and i thought that's more painfull than being hurts
empty is more painfull than being torn apart
empty is more destructive than you can ever imagine
for almost of my life i prayin like hell to get what it called a simple life with no great distraction....i pray..and i pray..and i pray..and my life seems so monotons
and its terribly f*ckin empty
it hurts coz i don't feel anything
i laugh...but i don't even feel the essence of it
i cry...but i don't even feel i'm too sad to cry on
everything just fake
it's f*cking fake and all i can think about right now is to feel it...
feel the pain, feel the joy, just feel it..as a very normal human being i just want to feel it

Things We Called Commitment

Do men always freakin out when women ask for commitment or gettin' serious in relationship???
this freakin mind seems pull over me to the edge of nowhere..
well i think it began to be in an uproar since one of my coworker tell me about a life which her livin it, last nite....
her love life actually...
she discussed it with me...and yes...i don't even close enuf with her,
but i don't mind listening to her, practically i'm impressed that she wud talk about her private life with me.
she had a boyfriend, and they had this what it called a relationships for about four years.
but apparently..the guy whom she living with do not want to take the next steps (the serious stage, the commitment)
Its obvious that her relationship with this guy was not moving forward,
and she thought that they would never take the next steps, well..clearly.

It's true that i'm not surprise...from almost of my life i just thought that there's no guy in this world who already prepare for what it called a commitment.
i had a five miserable years which i spent for waiting someone who's don't even think about commitment.
formerly i thought maybe it's a sacrifice that i just had to through for sumthin' we called it love.
but then i realize..that's not love....
love should be a thing who bring a happiness and goodness,
not a tear becoz you missing him sooo bad, and he's not even want to talk or meet you..

I do remember..
there's a last questioned that i asked him, "do i ever cross in ur mind..?"
coz i'm really tired for this such a long indeterminancy.
He confessed that he didn't want me to get over him and that he didn't want me out of his life. What a huge schmuck i thought.
He want me on his side but he don't even ensuring what we had for these years..
Then i just thought that maybe i'm just the one who's fall in love alone,
the unloved ones..
and i'm so stupid for waiting around and expecting him.

I will take my time deciding who I will allow to love me. I won't rush into anything but I will allow a date to be a date.
I believe that the things called for commitment involved two people who's prepared. It's not about your marriage license, your wedding ceremony, nor your living arrangements. When you commit, you are in fact agreeing for taking responsibility and integrity, "I am agreeing to share my life with my partner, to assist in his/her personal growth development and happiness wherever and whenever I can. I also agree to cherish and protect this union with my partner so it can forever flourish and always remains a happy one. I am agreeing to this because I want to, and for no other reason."